The City That Holds My Heart

 

"There's something about the freedom in this city. Daunting yet so friendly. She stretches out her hand and brings you to the other side - Welcome to the city of dreams my child." 

-Journal Entry 18 October 2016

New York City.

How typical of me (I'm so fine with being a cliche).

Instead of writing up a big blurb on my time in New York, I'm just going to type out a few of the little journal entries I wrote in the city with some shots taken from the trip. Hopefully this kind of gives a more personal, in depth voice to my time there & what goes through my lil brain while travelling and experiencing new things. 

Enjoy. x 

 

Journal Entry from: 10/10/16 - ON PLANE TO NYC (3 HOURS IN)

"Last night before I went to sleep after packing up my suitcase for New York, I wrote this:

          *Excuse the spelling errors and my horribly messy writing*

         *Excuse the spelling errors and my horribly messy writing*

"I wrote this while trying to calm my nerves for my day ahead. Travelling alone is daunting yet so thrilling, I'm currently rushing with excitement but a stale breeze of doubt is trying to poison me. 

FEAR

What was I afraid of though?

  • Something bad happening? 
  • Not being capable of getting myself from A to B (transport etc)
  • Sitting on this plane for another 14 hours overthinking everything
  • Fear of missing out on things happening at home?
  • Being a mini ant in a huge city
  • The amount of work I have/am falling behind with?
  • Stress? (and all other emotions)
  • Most potently... the love, I may or may not feel.
  • Comfort - or lack of. 

Everything I feel right now is totally acceptable and normal. All of these factors you are fearing have not yet occurred.

REMINDER: 'NOW' IS ALL WE HAVE. FIND COMFORT IN THIS - FOR IT IS WHERE ALL MAGIC LIES.  

Anyways, I'm currently on my flight to New York. 16 hours to LA then another 5 to the big city where I will find myself for 2 weeks. A year or so ago my best friend Yazz (aka my better half) moved to pursue her love for acting at a Drama college in New York. After many emotional and teary Facetime calls to each other in the attempt to detail our life happenings on opposite sides of the world, I thought FUCK IT! I need to get my ass over to NYC to visit her and run a total muck. So yeah... 5 days ago I spontaneously booked (an extremely overpriced) ticket to New York City. This journal will detail events, emotions, words, tears? (knowing my emotional, dramatic self this is likely). I don't know what I want this to be, I guess time shall tell.

 

✈LAX AIRPORT IS HELL ✈ 4 HOURS DOWN TILL NEW YORK✈ 

"It's as if time is moving backwards and I'm just stuck floating in the middle of it." - Delirious Cartia waiting for Uber at JFK Airport. 

 

 
 
  35mm film shot of the city taken by  Yazz

35mm film shot of the city taken by Yazz

 

Journal Entry from: Tuesday 11/10/16

Location: Williamsburg, Brooklyn (Yazzy's Loft)

I woke up extremely confused and felt totally out of place. Rather expected I guess, seeing as I had just rocked up on the other side of the world laying next to my best friend. I've had a super uneasy feeling in my belly all morning, not sure if it's all the un-digested plane food or the strong overwhelming feeling that comes with being a tiny fish in an extremely large pond. Nonetheless I wasn't going to judge these feelings, I just had to accept I felt this way and ride it out. I reminded myself to go back to what I like to call my 'survival tactics' which always kind of help me feel more comforted when I get overwhelmed or anxious. 

  • Meditate
  • Listen to music
  • Chat with friends
  • Write 
  • Walk/Exercise 
  • Keep your crystals near
  • Drink water/Green Tea/ Coffee
  • Do something productive
  • Edit a video
  • Eat something yummy (healthy) 
  • Write a list of things you are grateful for
  • Most importantly BREATHE

Journal Entry from: Wednesday 12/10/16

"SAW YOUR FACE AND GOT INSPIRED."

Last night was my first proper night out in NYC. Fellow Aussies/incredible musicians Flight Facilities were playing at Webster Hall - divine timing seeing as I adore their music. What was so special about this particular gig was the presence, passion and love they all brought to the stage. It was super beautiful to see them all enjoying themselves so much as they couldn't wipe the smiles off their faces. I had a little moment of Australian pride when I looked around the completely jam packed room of people totally moved by this humble group of talented musicians. Playing a sold out show in New York City certainly would have been a big 'pinch me' moment... even just being in the city felt crazy to me.I'd always seen so much of New York from the eyes of film makers, 

musicians and big movies, but being there in the flesh was something totally indescribable.So freaking corny but if you have visited then I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. As we were leaving the gig we stopped outside to say goodbye to friends and as I learnt up against the wall Yazz pointed out to some graffiti written on it. 'The Future Is Now." Emphasis on the word NOW... it comes up a lot for me, not to mention I have that word tattooed on my wrist. This was kind of like a strange warm hug from the universe giving me a very important reminder. 

 

Journal Entry from: Wednesday 16/10/16

 

"I fucking love this city! It's as though I've always been here. I feel confident and secure. I have taught myself how to use the trains here, which I guess for most people that's not a big deal but weirdly for me I've always had this insane fear when trying to navigate myself around cities on trains and buses. It's like my mind is overloaded with information and it just fogs over when I try to logically get myself from A to B. Weirdly all anxiousness left me when attempting to pick it up here. So I'm very happy about that (so was my Mum, a very proud moment :P). The past few days have been so beautiful. Today Gabi, Yazz, Ciaffy & I sat for hours in Central Park just talking and eating fruit, hummus & a big baguette. We strolled around admiring the size and beauty there was within the park. It blew my mind and gave me a new sense of inspiration, I don't know what it was but it felt like magic. I no longer felt small in the city, I was just grateful to be apart of it. 

 
 

When I returned home that night Yazz went to sleep early while I stayed up until 3am editing a video (gotta love Jetlag) and just before I went to sleep I wrote this to encourage me to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone & say Yes! so any opportunity that may come up. 

 

"BE FEARLESS

BE CONFIDENT

LIVE OUTRAGEOUSLY

AND REMEMBER

THAT YOU REALLY

HAVE NOTHING TO

LOOSE BESIDES

MEMORIES THAT

MAY TURN OUT TO BE

SOME OF YOUR BEST." 

For the next few days after that, I seemed to be enjoying myself a little too much that I forgot to write down anything in my journal. From what I remember, in that time I was exploring the city testing out all of the amazing vegan restaurants, lots of vintage shopping, we saw one of my favourite bands play (Cigarettes After Sex), I walked a lot, filmed a lot, drank a lot of red wine with a cute boy & also fell in love with my best friend over and over again then began to plot how & when I can re-locate my life to NYC. 

 

Journal Entry from: Thursday 20/10/16

"Technically my last day. Feeling emotional and tired. Not ready to leave the city yet. However I have a new sense of purpose a new sense of inspiration. I feel driven and motivated to create more & experience more, to push myself to the limits I know I am capable of."

 

"New York I knew I'd feel something... but nothing quite like this." ♡

 

FOR YAZZ

It's easy enough to say the word goodbye, it's just like any other word we mumble out of our mouths during a normal day. It's not until the doors are shut, the lights are off and you count the miles in between us.

It's no longer a simple word to be muttered . It's an ache that I feel in the back of my eyes as they begin to sting before warm salted tears start to trickle down my face. It's the dull thud I feel in my heart when there's no one else to turn to and the person you crave the most isn't there.

Our souls dance in the sky when the stars come out to play, however being trapped in my human form creates many obstacles to suppress the pain that comes from the lack of you.

It's an addiction, an obsession.
A love story only we will ever understand.

To the woman who I hold so much love for in my little heart. To the alien friend I created many lifetimes ago. Thankyou for allowing me to feel so supported in everything I do. Thank you for being the human you are and always reminding me who truly lies beneath my skin. When we are together we can do anything, you make me feel invincible and never cease to inspire me with everything you do. The way you carry yourself, the way your mind ticks, the effortless energy that exudes from your body is nothing short of a magical sight to see.

Our friendship blows my mind away & I never would have imagined to have found someone like you.

It's been hard to not have you here in my everyday world for little moments, but I know we are working towards something more divine than we could ever imagine.

My tears dry & are replaced with a warm sensation as the sun begins to rise. Golden and bright shining in your honour. My little red rocket, oh how I wish I could just always have you in my pocket.

Thanks for the most amazing time ever, see you soon. 

Cartia x

Cartia Mallan